Let The Water Hold Me
by munchkinjenny05
Summary: AU Keffy Oneshot. Takes place after 404. Katie always lies in the bath whenever she's upset and has found the bathroom to be the perfect place to hide whenever her mother gets angry...


**This oneshot is inspired by Katie telling her dad that she used to hide in the bath whenever her mum got angry during their conversation in 404. It was kind of a throwaway line, but it stayed with me and made me feel inexplicably sad for reasons that I cannot fully comprehend. **

**This is the result of my musings. Originally it was going to be a Katie and Emily sisterly comfort fic but then my Skins OTP took over. I hope you like it. I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out.**

I was 6 years old the first time I hid in the upstairs bathroom. I can't remember why my mum was shouting, just that I needed to get away. That was the only interior door with a lock in the entire house, even the downstairs toilet didn't have one since it had never been repaired. So, resolute and with the determination only small children seem to possess, I stood on my tiptoes and clicked said lock firmly into place. I found that the sounds were muted immediately and became virtually non-existent when I turned on the taps. So, I sat on the edge of the enamel lip and trailed my fingers through the surging water. I imagined that it was waterfall and I felt safe and comforted in this world of my own creation. From that day on, the bathroom became my refuge. No matter what had upset me, I sought sanctuary there, always.

After the Love Ball, I ran straight home and stayed in there for the remainder of the night. Nobody noticed and I was left alone with my despair. I alternated between feelings of intense hopelessness and anger. Emily ripped me apart. Despite her words I knew that things between us wouldn't be the same again. She had cut the cord between us, leaving me dangling on the broken line, gasping for air. The gentle sounds of the water weren't enough so I filled the tub and got in, letting the water hold me. The hours stretched out meaninglessly, but constant ebb of hot water kept me warm, wrapping me up like a cocoon. My teardrops rippled the surface, shattering my illusion of calm. I struck out against the expanse of wetness bitterly and it helped somewhat. The puddles I had caused glistened at me. They appeared forlorn in the moonlight and I pulled myself out, staring.

"Enough, Katie." I whispered firmly, my voice cracking, thick from all the sobbing. I swiped my forearm over the surface of the mirror, clearing the steam. I looked at my reflection intently. "Enough." After that, I didn't wallow again.

I thought I had broken my dependence upon this habit until my universe was shattered for a second time. I should have learnt my lessons from what happened to Emily; she taught me that even carefully guarded secrets have a way of getting out. I didn't heed that though, I didn't think it would happen to me, I was above it. I was Katie Fitch. I had it under control, I was sure, I got cocky. I made a mistake. Arguably it wasn't the first, but it was definitely the biggest and most devastating. I knew better than anyone that our bedroom door didn't have a lock. It was stupid but I couldn't wait. Nobody was supposed to come home. The expression on my mother's face is something I'll never forget for as long as I live. I think it will haunt me. I could forgive the mixture of shock, anger and even disappointment, those are all understandable. It's the wave of disgust that passed over her face that hurt the most, as though I was abhorrent. She had never looked at Emily or even Naomi Campbell that way.

I pushed Effy off me and sprang up from the bed, re-clasping my bra that still hung limply against my chest. "Mum! Wait, let me explain…" I grabbed a dressing gown without looking. It smelled like Emily. I ran downstairs two at a time, my bare feet slipping against the carpet.

My mum spun round. "Explain what Katie, how I managed to raise two such deceitful daughters?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't lie, not exactly, it just never came up." The excuse sounded pathetic as it hung between us.

"How long has this been going on?" I toyed with whether or not to lie and pretend that this was the first time. I could hear Effy upstairs. She was trying to keep her presence unannounced but I heard her unmistakable sigh as she listened. I turned back and saw her lingering by the top step. Without make-up she looked young and fragile. I suppose we both did. Our eyes locked and I knew I had to tell the truth.

The honest answer was that it had begun that night after the Hen Party, when I was thrown out. Nothing happened at first; we just stayed sat until the sun came out over the waterfront, gazing out and smoking endless cigarettes. We talked non-stop, or at least I did, pouring my heart out about everything. It felt like somebody had finally seen me. Effy didn't shy away. She heard my complete history, all my fears, doubts, and my dreams and she wasn't repelled. She still wanted to be around me. She held my hand and smiled, spoke words of encouragement and compassion. We both let our barriers down. I told her things that even Emily didn't know and as I walked home, I felt freer. The sharp pain that was usually continually present in my gut had eased. I was no longer plagued by the slow churning dread and I realised I hadn't chewed on my fingernails once during the whole conversation.

I kissed Effy two days later. I expected her to reject me, mock me and walk away or run to Freddie, shutting me out forever. She didn't. The calendar marked a month as having passed and we hadn't stopped. We hadn't talked about what was happening between us or acknowledged that we were a couple at all but something was happening nonetheless. In spite of ourselves, Effy and I could both sense it. I was surprised to find that I didn't mind the silence or the secrecy. I had always been clingy, so this was different, but not in a bad way. It was, in fact, a relief. I'd had enough of being arm candy. There was no pretence with Effy, she was always real, and I was happy that she came back because she wanted to. It was never forced. My heart sped up every time because she could have easily disappeared, left me and nobody would have even batted an eyelid. I doubted I could have found her if she ran, so I was glad she stayed. She left things up to me. I could choose to see her as often as I wanted. The arrangement suited me fine; I didn't want to become a chore to her so I didn't ask for much, only that she held me afterwards and didn't leave before I fell asleep. She had kept up her end of the bargain thus far.

My mother didn't seem enamoured by the re-telling of my fairytale. Her scowl only deepened. I couldn't really blame her I suppose; it was harder to get your head around than Emily and Naomi's epic love story. We hadn't even said those 3 words yet. I didn't know if we ever would.

"She just seduced you then, corrupted you. I always said the Stonem girl was trouble."

"I'm standing right here, Jenna." Effy muttered. Her voice was dry and crisp. It certainly sounded stronger than mine. She smiled her identifiable smirk and I tensed because I knew what was coming. She was on the defensive and this couldn't end well for either of us. I shot her a look, begging her to keep her mouth shut but it was too late, the words were out. "Actually, your beloved Katiekins made the first move. She's quite the hellcat between the sheets." My mum gasped and brought her hand to her cheek as if Effy had slapped her.

"Katie, get that…that harlot out of here, now." She hissed the command through gritted teeth. I faced Effy, my shoulders slumped, defeated. She glanced at me for approval, only speaking when I nodded.

"Don't worry, I'm going." She brushed my hair aside and kissed me on the cheek tenderly. I blinked back tears, holding it together as Effy's bravado slipped. It was an unspoken rule between us that only one could fall apart at a time. A single tear slipped down my face and she looked away, her own features hardening as she glared at my mother. "Naomi was right, you are a cold-blooded bitch."

I barely heard the screaming that coincided with the slamming of the door. It was a recycled speech from all her rants at Emily predominantly, and I'd heard it all before. In spite of my angst, I couldn't help but wish that she cared enough to be more original, disconnect this situation from Emily's coming out. I wasn't the same as her, but my mother seemed convinced that what she'd witnessed made us carbon copies of each other. I began to get frustrated.

"I'm Katie!" I finally yelled. I'd been mostly still since Effy had gone and this outburst stunned my mother into temporary silence. I relished it. "Stop comparing me to Emily. I'm not going to go and buy a pair of dungarees, wear flannel or attend an _Indigo Girls_ concert anytime soon. I'm not even gay; at least I don't think I am. It's just her."

She ignored the last comment entirely, focusing only on the positives as she saw them. "I knew it, you're a good girl. You wouldn't do that to me. We can just forget all about this little dalliance with that girl, nobody needs to know. You were just upset about getting that horrible news from the doctors, that's all. You haven't been yourself, but I'm here now, we'll get you back on track again."

The condescension was the worst. My anger flared. "You make it sound like I was fucking her to get over the fact that I can't have kids. It's not like that!" I wondered if she had even listened earlier when I tried to explain.

"Isn't it? You said yourself, you're not a lesbian. You've been so upset and I heard you say that you were scared nobody would want you when you first found out about the menopause. You meant no boy, didn't you? It's obvious, you were boyfriend crazy before this and now…but you aren't ruined Katie, you don't have to let yourself be."

"You're twisting everything. She didn't ruin anything mother, Effy saved me!" I began to walk away. I was tired suddenly and it seemed that I was wasting my breath. "I can't talk to you when you're like this, it's no wonder that Emily moved out."

I retreated behind the locked door again. I heard my mother cursing through the wooden barrier that distanced us. It sounded like she was phoning my dad. I sighed. So much for "nobody needs to know," she was calling in the cavalry. I ran the water until it was almost blisteringly hot and shrugged off the borrowed robe, letting the heat run over my skin. It didn't warm me. I felt colder than before. I missed the feeling of Effy's arms around me. Less than an hour ago I'd thought we would have all night together. The water's embrace didn't seem as welcoming as it used to be. I reached down grateful that I had made a detour to the bedroom to retrieve my phone.

**I'm sorry xx**

It was a simple message, but it made me feel better just reaching out.

**Never be sorry. You've done nothing wrong. I'm not sorry that I called your mum a bitch. I miss you though. Are you okay? I was worried Jenna-bot might have murdered you for flying the rainbow flag.**

I laughed at the response. Effy always managed to cheer me up, defuse my rage or misery, even if she was the cause. I wished that she was here. In that moment if I could have snuck out of the window without risking death or serious injury I would have done it in a heartbeat.

**Miss U 2. Ok ne way. Hidin **

The reply was instantaneous, no easy task considering she typed everything in full sentences. It was an inclination that I had been unable to see the benefits of.

**Need help? I am the hide and seek champion ;) **

Effy didn't even wait for a reply before sending the next text and it made me smile.

**Seriously though. I can come back if you need me. Just say the word.**

Just knowing that she was willing to face my mother's wrath and put herself in the firing line once more made this much less scary. I wasn't alone.

**Thx. I'll b fine. Waitin it out. Spk soon tho. Xox**

I had to resist the urge to type those 3 little words at the end. I wasn't ready for her to know yet, supposing she didn't already, which knowing Effy it was very probable that she did. Those blue eyes missed nothing. She was probably aware of how I felt before I was, waiting for me to play catch up. She could thwart emotional outbursts before I was even aware that I was preparing to unleash them. It would have been irritating if not for the fact I found it so endearing. That was just Effy. She could read people effortlessly but was nonetheless puzzled by her own emotions. A walking contradiction. I had only just begun to peel back the layers. She was a challenge, but I was never one to back away. That was just one of the many reasons why we worked. It was early days, but this was the most equal relationship I'd been in to date. All the pieces fit. As a result, I didn't need to try so hard, which in turn, enabled Effy to feel safe to learn to try a little. That was what my mother or outsiders would fail to grasp.

Lost in our text exchange and further distracted by my thoughts, I had let the temperatures dip, failing to shut off the cold tap in time. I decided it didn't matter. This time, I wasn't relying on the water to hold me. I watched the water drain away, swirling as it was swallowed down the plug hole. I was ready now. I smiled briefly before unlocking the door.


End file.
